The Rat
by Freak3
Summary: The year is AC 195, the war is over, and the GW boys are ready to party! But when Trowa and Quatre head back to Quatre's mansion, Trowa realizes that his lover is having a rodent problem... Yoai, 1+R 2+H 3+4, written by my sister, Ricky Quinn


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The Rat

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By Ricky Quinn

The year is After Colony 195. With the destruction of Zechs, Treize, and the White Fang all in one battle of fantastic proportions, the five Gundam pilots are left with nothing to do besides party like it's 1999. Heero, Duo, Trowa, and Wufei decide to spend the evening at a well-known Middle Eastern karaoke bar with their varied and sundry friends, work-related acquaintances, ex-enemies, and passionate lovers. Everyone from the Manager to the Maganacs had managed to crash the party, jockeying for space with the inebriated locals. Relena, chauffeured by Pagan, showed up in a be-sequined Versace gown, and even Dorothy made an appearance with a recently healed Hilde in tow.

At last Quatre teetered into the bar, still tender after his duel with the fork-browed Dorothy. He went straight to a back-table and sunk down next to Trowa, who greeted him with a nod and a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne.

It was not long before poor Quatre began to tire beyond endurance. He could barely keep his eyes open, and he felt drunk with fatigue. The party was far from breaking up, but Trowa thought it was about time for the blond pilot to get to bed.

After a quick talk with Rashid, the unrealistically tall leader of the Maganacs agreed to drive the two pilots to Quatre's emergency mansion, only a few miles down the road. As they entered the elaborate, white marble manse, Trowa spoke up. "So, Quatre, got a bed I can sleep in tonight?"

The platinum blond pilot blushed for a moment, catching a note in the other boy's voice that was asking for more than just sleep. Then he realized Trowa had brushed aside his uni-bang, and pressed his lips firmly against his own! Quatre was surprised, shocked, dumbfounded...but also undeniably pleased. He had never dared to dream that his fellow pilot could have ever returned his hidden feelings. This was pure bliss…this was insanity! He shoved Trowa away roughly.

There was one of those awkward silences, both Gundam pilots studying the burgundy carpet in minute detail.

"Um...I didn't mean..." Trowa stuttered.

Quatre looked up, his blue eyes wide and sparkling. "Oh, Trowa!" he cried happily, throwing himself into the other boy's arms.

Trowa blinked. "So you..."

"Yes!"

"And you..."

"Yes!"

"And you want to..."

"Yes!"

The brunette grinned wolfishly and carried Quatre into the nearest bedroom, kicking the door shut and kissing him again as he laid him down on the four-poster bed. The blond pilot settled back, his heart beating faster as Trowa lay down beside him, their hands groping at buttons and zippers as they hurried to undress. Trowa sat up momentarily to pull off his shoes, and was just leaning back down for another hungry kiss when Quatre screamed in terror.

"What's wrong?" Trowa muttered as the blond-haired boy leapt off the bed and cowered by the door, his eyes riveted on the far, darkened corner of the room. With his blood flow diverted to places other than his brain, Trowa was having trouble analyzing the peculiar situation, but Quatre sure looked tasty in his boxers and his half-buttoned shirt. "Quatre?" he asked, and the blond's eyes flicked nervously in his direction. "What's wrong?"

Quatre cleared his throat, his attention still wavering between Trowa and the shadowed corner. "It's the-the-the..."

"The what? Quatre, please, tell me what's wrong!"

"...the-the-the..."

With Quatre still less than articulate, Trowa did the only thing he could think of. He went over to his would-be lover, wound him in a tender embrace, and flicked on the light switch. With the bedroom now bathed in electric glow, the Gundam pilot quickly scanned the once-darkened corners and found...

"A rat?"

"_THE_ Rat, Trowa!" Quatre corrected, huddling closer to his fellow pilot, his hands trembling and his eyes swollen larger than necessary with fear.

Trowa tried to think of a suitable reply, and failed. "Oh." He looked down at his beloved, stroking his blond hair. "Well, then...this is easy enough to take care of." He detached himself from Quatre's stranglehold, plucked an intricately carved scimitar from two hooks on the wall, and poised himself to sheeshkabob the offending rodent.

"NO!" Quatre cried

"Now what?" Trowa asked, beginning feel irritated with his love's rodent-phobia.

"No...no killing, Trowa," Quatre stammered. "Please! There has been enough bloodshed! I can't stand anymore killing! Can't you just toss it outside?"

Trowa smiled fondly back at his gentle companion. Poor Quatre! He had been through so much lately. Too much for someone with his deeply empathic nature. That was what Trowa found so irresistible about the boy. His kindness, his friendly demeanor, his ready smile. He was so open, so loving, so different from most of the people Trowa had the displeasure of knowing. And his music! His skill on the violin, the deep feeling he lent to each stroke of the bow...of course he would never do anything to further destroy Quatre's fragile temperament.

Trowa set the sword back down onto its hooks, and approached the rat quietly, his bare feet sinking softly into the carpet as he padded across the room.

"Compared to lion taming, this should be a synch," he muttered, turning back to wink playfully at Quatre.

Trowa was right. It should have been a synch to scoop up the trembling creature and toss it out the window. But the rat had other ideas.

The brunette knelt carefully down before the rat, blocking all chances of escape, his hands ready to catch and hold as he whispered reassuringly to the animal. Its whiskers quivered as it sniffed at the human, its dark eyes staring, its gray, furry body tensed. Then, just as Trowa reached for it, the rat leapt into the air and latched onto his drooping uni-bang!

For a moment Trowa was too surprised to speak. Then he panicked, screaming and yelling as he tried to pry the rodent loose from his hair. The rat, meanwhile, clung to Trowa's locks with grim tenacity, a fuzzy ball of claws, fangs, and violence scratching at whatever portion of the pilot's face came within reach. "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!" he shrieked, crying and carrying on as if someone has just blown up Heavy Arms on interplanetary television.

"Master Quatre?" a voice asked from outside the room as someone knocked nervously at the door. "Is anything amiss?"

"Rashid?" Quatre called back, to be answered with an affirmative grunt. The blond sprang for the door and tore it open to come face to belt-buckle with his head minion. "Oh, Rashid! Thank God! Help! The rat has Trowa!"

Rashid surveyed the situation with a jaundiced eye. Trowa was rolling pitifully on the floor, tearing at his face and wailing like a baby as victorious, blood curdling squeaks echoed around the room. "Ah," he said at last, then stepped back out into the hall. "Maganacs! To your stations! It's the rat! It's attacking Master Trowa!"

Shouts of "The rat!" and "Holy viagra!" and "We'll kill it this time, Master!" rose up from the desert mansion as the room filled with frantic minions in red fezzes. They came armed to the teeth, bristling with knives, spears, and pointed sticks, nun-chucks, ninja stars, handguns, grenades, uzies, and all manner of exotic and far-fetched weaponry. With curses and oaths the Maganacs moved forward, chasing the rat from Trowa's bang to the floor, across the room, under the bed, around the erotic Greek statue in the corner, and back to Trowa's bang. A specially trained medic squad stood ready by the door with bandages and disinfectant, rushing aid to the wounded.

Trowa was reduced to a whimpering wreck, curled up like a fetus in the corner, and Quatre was not fairing much better. Several desperate Maganacs ran off, seemingly fleeing from the battle, only to come back with one of the titanic beam rifles from the Mobile Suit hanger. They fumbled with the ridiculously huge weapon for a moment before gripping it like a battering ram, and leveled it at the offending rodent. Suddenly the rat was cornered, helpless at the dangerous end of god-knows-how-much firepower. As the Maganacs prepared to blast their enemy to hell and back with the beam rifle, Quatre got a momentary hold on himself.

"No killing!" he cried. "Please! No more killing!"

The rat took this happy opportunity to scamper out of beam-rifle range, biting ankles and toes as it fled the room for the relative safety of one of the mansion's carefully manicured courtyards. The Maganacs regrouped and followed after their quarry, hoping to chase it once and for all from Quatre's emergency mansion.

"Are you alright, Trowa?" Quatre asked, helping his fellow pilot to his feet.

"Let me at that goddamn rat!" he hissed.

The blond smiled, nodding. "But no killing, okay?"

Trowa just grinned, a murderous twinkle in his eye. "We'll see."

As the two boys rushed off after the Maganacs, Rashid shook his head silently. Then he pulled out his cell phone and dialed the karaoke bar.

"Mohammed's Karaoke Bar and Biscuit House, how can I help you?" the barkeeper asked.

"Are the Gundam pilots still there?" queried Rashid.

"Just finishing off a last round before heading out."

"Thank you Mohammed. Can you put one of them on for me?"

The barkeeper put the phone on hold and ran off to fetch himself a pilot. "Just Communication" started to play over the line. Rashid tapped his foot impatiantly.

"Yo, this is Duo Maxwell, famed Gundam pilot and God of Death! Can I eradicate any tyrannical governments for you today?"

"Duo, this is Rashid."

"Hey, Rashid, my man! What's up?"

Rashid, as usual, decided to be blunt. "We're having a little problem with a rat at Quatre's emergency mansion."

"Rats?" Duo sounded confused. "Well, why don't you hire an exterminator? Or use 'em for target practice?"

"Rat, as in the singular."

"One rat? You must be kidding, Rashid! Just toss the damn thing outside! Besides, I've got a sweet, sweet date line up with Hilde this evening over at my place, and..."

"And make sure you three bring your Gundams," Rashid interrupted, then hung up.

****

"Who was that?" Wufei asked as Duo continued to scratch his head in puzzlement.

"Rashid," Duo replied, no less confused.

"What did he want?" Heero demanded.

The self-styled God of Death shrugged. "He wanted us to kill a rat at Quatre's place. Weird, huh?"

"Kill a rat?" Wufei repeated, disgusted by such petty usage of his finely honed martial artistry.

"Yeah. And he said to bring our Gundams. Must be some rat..."

Wufei spat in disgust. "Anyone who would use such a weapon to kill something as harmless as a rat is as crazy, and weak, as a woman."

Heero thought for a moment, and the two other pilots leaned in closer to hear his words of wisdom. Both were intensely disappointed as the Perfect Soldier turned on his heel and left the bar.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" Duo exclaimed.

"To do a little extermination."

"WHAT?!!! You're not seriously going over there with your Gundam!"

"Fool," Heero sneered. "It's probably a code for something. Maybe a last contingent of White Wolf soldiers."

"But we kicked their asses from here to Pluto!" Duo shouted, only to become furtherly dumbfounded as Wufei began to follow after Heero. "You too Wufei? What about being weak as a..."

"Don't," the Chinese pilot threatened, grabbing Duo by the collar.

The American smiled disarmingly, and Wufei let go. "Okay, okay, no offense, man!"

"I'm just going to check things out," Wufei continued. "And if it is indeed no more than a rat, I happen to know the number of a good exterminator."

And with that, the three pilots hopped in their Gundams.

****

At the same time, havoc was being thoroughly wrecked out in the courtyard of Quatre's emergency mansion. The rat danced nimbly away from its attackers, biting and scratching anyone who came too close. Slowly but surely it was gnawing its fuzzy way towards victory over Trowa, Quatre, and Quatre's innumerable be-fezzed minions. But just as the battle seemed lost, what should appear on the horizon but three Gundams! Wing Zero and Shenlong Altron posed impressively, the heavily armored mobile suits lit dramatically by the first cold light of dawn. Death Scythe Hell stood just off to the left, looking slightly less impressive as it waved its arms and ground its metallic butt in a fair impression of the Macarena.

"Duo!" Heero bellowed over the headset.

"Yeah, wonder boy?"

"Stop that! It's embarrassing!"

"Aw, is the likkle Perfect Soldier not enjoying my groove?"

"Duo! Omaeo korosu!"

"Fine, fine…kill joy."

The three pilots quickly left the cockpits of their Gundams, and hurried into the courtyard to survey the situation. It was just as Rashid had said; a lone rat was indeed managing to subdue the intrepid band of Maganacs.

"This is pathetic," Wufei snorted, pulling out a convenient dagger and preparing to lunge at the rodent. His brain quickly made the proper calculations—taking into account the estimated scampering velocity of a wild rat and making alterations for wind resistance—and then, he sprang for the beast.

Unfortunately, some blunt object feeling a great deal like Rashid's arm came crashing down against Wufei's head, knocking him groundward and allowing the rat to cheat death once again.

"OW!!! Shit! What was that for?" the Chinese pilot growled at Rashid as Quatre helped him to his feet.

"Sorry, but Master Quatre says no killing," the leader of the Maganacs explained as he rubbed his arm.

"What?" Wufei demanded. "Then why did you call us here?"

Heero glared angrily at the towering head-minion, then turned his rage on Quatre. "Why the hell are you bothering with the damn rat if you don't want anyone to kill it?" he shouted.

"Well…um…" The blond thought for a moment, but seemed unable to come up with a respectable answer. "Well…well…well you're right, Heero!" he exclaimed at last. "If that rat is such a pain, then we should just…just…" Quatre trailed off, an all too familiar mad glint coming into his eyes as he began to laugh maniacally.

"Not again…" Duo sighed, shaking his head.

"We WILL kill it!" Quatre exclaimed, foaming at the mouth. "Kill, kill, KILL!!! SHINAI!!!" The blond flung himself wildly at the rat, but the nefarious rodent, not about to be caught off guard, dodged between Quatre's legs, slid sideways to avoid the sweeping arc of a wickedly-sharp scythe, and dashed back into the masses of fez-topped minions. Quatre followed, close on the rat's tail, finally ready to kill.

Heero gave a whistle of approval as Duo cradled the scythe lovingly in his arms, very much impressed by the sudden appearance of the weapon. "Where did you get that?"

"It was a present from Hilde!" Duo explained happily. "I had left it in Death Scythe Hell's cockpit, and just happened to bring it down with me. See?" He pointed to an inscription on the long, wooden handle. "D & H 4EVER!" the God of Death read proudly. "I just hope she doesn't mind too much that I am going to be a bit late in picking her up for our sweet, sweet date…"

"What did you guys do to Quatre?" Trowa asked worriedly, coming over to his fellow pilots. "He hasn't been this nuts since the middle of the war, and…whoa, nice scythe! What's it say? Duo and Heero forever?" He blinked in puzzlement. "I knew Quatre and I just came out of the closet, but I didn't know you two were an item."

"Wha—hell no!" Duo spat, deeply offended by the notion. "I mean, there is nothing wrong with gays, they're great people, but this is a present from _Hilde_! It says Duo and _Hilde_ forever! I love _Hilde_! And even if I was gay, _Heero_? The Perfect Soldier? Ick! Yuck! That's just plain wrong! I mean, he's too…too…too Heero! He's probably got cooties or something! And another thing—wait, you and Quatre are together?"

Wufei, who no longer wanted anything to do with the insanity before him, had been making starry eyes at his Gundam for the past few minutes. But suddenly a scythe handle was thrust in his face with a curious inscription upon it. D & H 4EVER? "Duo and Dr. H forever?" he wondered.

"YOU SICK BASTARD!!!" Duo cried, forgetting Trowa and whirling on the martial artist. "You have SINNED, Wufei, and now you shall know the full rage of the God of Death! You shall tremble before me as I…"

"Dorothy and Hilde forever?" Rashid asked as he passed the pilots, glancing at the scythe for a moment before running off for more ammo. Wufei took this distraction to start chasing the rat like everyone else.

"IS GAY LOVE ALL ANYONE CARES ABOUT ANY MORE?!!!" Duo wailed. "It's DUO and HILDE forever! Get over it! You people make me sick! I am going to leave now! I'm going on a sweet, sweet date with my love, HILDE!!! I hope none of you groupies mind!" As he wandered off back toward his Gundam, the rat rushed past with Quatre still close on its fuzzy heels. The insane pilot grabbed the scythe and started hacking inexpertly at the ground as he ran on.

"Hey, give that back, Quatre!" Duo shouted, joining the chase. "That has sentimental value!"

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU GODDAMN RAT!!!" Quatre screamed, still charging after the rodent.

"Squeakitty-squeak-squeak!" the rat taunted back.

Heero was sick of the insanity. The whole scene was starting to look like something out of a cheap, American cartoon, with Quatre, Wufei, and a great clump of Maganacs hurling themselves after a single gray rat, and Duo somehow caught up in the whole mess as he tried to retrieve his scythe. Plus, he was starting to get one hell of a hangover as sunlight poured into the courtyard. There was one very simple way to end this idiocy, and the Perfect Soldier knew he was just the one to do it. With one smooth, practiced motion he pulled his glock from somewhere in his skin-tight shorts and aimed it at the hapless rodent.

"Out of the way!" he ordered.

Trowa grabbed Quatre and dragged him to safety. Duo snatched his scythe back from the drooling, blond maniac just in time for one of the Maganacs to ask, "Duo and Howard forever?" Wufei gave Heero an uncustomary thumbs-up as one of the specially trained medics bandaged a nasty bite on his shoulder. The rat suddenly found itself alone in the center of the cobbled courtyard, locked in the cross hairs of Heero's glock.

All looked bleak for our nemisis as the Perfect Soldier's finger tightened on the trigger, when, out of the blue, an all-too familiar voice screeched, "Heeee-roooo!"

Relena ran into the courtyard, looking both pissed-off and puzzled. "Heero! You were supposed to meet me at The Lips and Lace after you left the karaoke bar! And…and what's going on here? Why do you all have all those weapons?"

"Could she have picked a worse moment for an entrance?" Duo sighed as he and everyone else watched the rat dash off into the shrubbery lining the courtyard.

"Oh, hurry up and go insane so we can be done with this," Rashid grumbled.

"Dammit, Relena, it's getting away!"

"What's getting away, Heero?" she demanded. "And why didn't you come to the hotel like you said you would…"

"Not now! I'm gonna kill that goddamn…"

"Now Heero," the ex-Queen-of-the-World chided, smoothly intercepting the Perfect Soldier and taking his gun away. "Hasn't there been enough killing? We just finished the largest war in history! Millions died! Who could you possibly want to kill after all that. Now, come on, we can still stop by The Lips and Lace…oh, what's this?" Relena knelt down and scooped up something furry and familiar in her hand. "Oh, look at it, Heero! It's so cute!"

"Relena! Watch out! That's The Rat!" Trowa warned.

"Let the woman learn for herself," Wufei sneered.

Heero grabbed for the rodent, but Relena held on to her prize. "What's wrong with you, Heero?" she pouted. "You don't like rats?"

"Not that one!" he snarled. "That thing has a taste for blood!"

"It's worse than the vorpal bunny from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_!" Duo called out.

"Oh, don't be silly," Relena sniffed. "Now, come on Heero, Pagan's waiting out front."

"I'm not going anywhere with you if you are going to bring along that thing!" Heero argued.

"If you are going to be such a child about it, well fine. We're through."

Relena marched off, her heels clicking on the paving stones. Her eyes were all shinny as she scratched her new pet behind the ears and kissed it fondly, then placed it on her shoulder. The rat watched its enemies from its perch, an evil glint in its eye as it made a strange noise that Relena interpreted as happy purring, and everyone else knew to mean that it was not over, the rat would return to vanquish its enemies.

"Trowa?" Quatre asked, now back to his normally sane self. "Trowa? I'm afraid."

"Me too, Quatre. Me too."

"This has been just too weird," Duo grumped as most of the Maganacs filed into the mansion on a desperate search for coffee. "I'm going now. Hope no one minds, but while Heero might have just seriously pissed off his girl, I've still got that sweet, sweet date set up! So catch you all later!"

Just as he turned to climb up into his Gundam his ears caught Quatre asking, "Duo and Heero Forever?"

"Dammit! I've already yelled at Trowa for that one, Quatre! Weren't you listening?"

Wufei just sat quietly, once again making starry eyes at Shenlong Altron.

Heero seemed not to notice as his various acquaintances went their separate ways. Instead, he stared off into the distance, his eyes narrowing dangerously as he hissed, "Relena, omae o korosu."


End file.
